I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
