dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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