I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
