I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
