you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
