Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize