We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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