she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
