i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
