Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
