dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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