i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
