Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
