I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
