The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
