Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
