I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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