the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
