I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
