Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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