did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
