Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Everyone says I win the strip club
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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