i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
