His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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