I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I checked into jail on foursquare
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
