i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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