You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is my gift to your gina
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize