when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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