The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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