Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
