I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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