Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
