theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So many bounce houses so little time
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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