we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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