No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
