How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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