she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
