she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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