We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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