Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
