It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
