Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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