I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
