Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
