I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
