Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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