how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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