yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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