I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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