moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
