Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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