Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
