you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
