I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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