I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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