Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
