It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just cropdusted the office
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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