I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
