she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
