A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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