The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
