I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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