i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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