If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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