I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
