yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Come on in and take your pants off
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